It's a Love Thing: The Evolution of Courtship & Dating

The Science of Love

 

Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, the feeling of being in love...we know these phenomenons but what causes them? What causes our bodies and brains to act a certain way when we are in love? The Science of Love Podcast explains the scientific reasoning behind being in love, down to the chemicals released in our brains to why a broken heart literally hurts. Though we sometimes do not know what is going on in our head when we are in love, The Science of Love tells us what is going on in our brain. Enjoy!

A Love Poem in the Park

"The family is a haven in a heartless world"- Christopher Lasch

 "In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life"- Bliss and Cerney

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"- The Notebook 

 "I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach"- Elizabeth Barret Browning

"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain"- Mark Twain 

"Like music on the waters is thy sweet voice to me"- Lord Byron 

 "Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. you know whatever you do, they'll still be there"- Amy Li

"He is my most beloved friend and my bitterest rival, my confidant and my betrayer, my sustainer and my dependent, and scariest of all, my equal"- Gregg Levoy 

 "The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship"- Francis Bacon

 

 "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired"- Anonymous

 "Love is like a child, that longs for everything it can come by"- William Shakespeare

 "I love you with all my heart"- Mom

Matters of the Heart: the Psychology of Love

What could inspire the bravest, proudest man to stand outside a girl's window holding a boom box? What could possibly compel the most intelligent, rational woman to leave her well to do fiancee for a man she has not seen in seven years? It is the same thing that inspires words like "What is it you want, Mary? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down." It is the subject of Grammy winning songs, Oscar winning movies, and Pulitzer prize winning poetry. As a wise men once said, "L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see, V is very very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore," and that spells LOVE folks.

 Love is a huge part of American culture. It is present in the media, in movies, on television, and in songs. From very young ages, girls are exposed to Disney movies in which princesses are swept off their feet by handsome, charming young princes. Many a book series takes advantage of the want for a fantasy like love such as "The Twilight Saga" by Stephanie Meyer which has grossed millions and has been made into wildly successful films. Even marketing in our culture preys on the human desire for love, letting consumers believe that if they buy a certain product they will be loved like the woman being held by a man resembling Matthew McConaughey. All this love is present in American culture but do people really know what it means? They say "I Love You" all the time, but do they really know the true meaning of the word? What is love?

According to Professor Jeremy Wolfe who teaches many psychology classes at MIT and Harvard, love is an emotion, a state of mind, a feeling, and a motivation to possess the object of desire. From an evolutionary standpoint, Professor Wolfe argues, love exists because it serves the purpose of passing on genes through reproduction or through nurturing the next generation. Men were concerned with passing on their genes by impregnating women, a biological aspect which has become part of their behavior. Psychology heavyweight Sigmund Freud believed that romantic love comes out of a need for the nurturing of civilization. While reproduction is necessary to keep the population alive, the next generation could not survive without parents. In ancient times when women were more dependent on men, the romantic love between the mother and the father nurtured the child and enabled their success. The men protected and supported the family while the women cared for the babies. Women looked for evidence of resources in men because they needed support for themselves and their family. Men sought younger female mates because they were capable of having more children. These are subconcious behaviors that carry over in men and women even today but maybe for different reasons. According to Dr. Frank Conner who presented a lecture entitiled, "The Psychology of Love: Do Opposites Attract or Do Birds of a Feather Flock Together?", humans love for the purpose of survival (living in community), socialization (having someone to talk to and be with) and affirmation (someone to affirm and make them feel good about themselves).

Psychologist M. Scott Peck defined love as, "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth".  According to Dr. Conner, love means knowing the person, caring about the person, having a responsibility toward the person, having respect and dignity for the person, accepting imperfection, and growth for both people in the relationship. Love can encompass many relationships, for example there is love between a father and a son, two best friends, and a husband and a wife, but all are different kinds of love. To describe these relationships, Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the triangular love theory in 1986.

According to Sternberg, the three main elements of love are Intimacy (Closeness based on sharing feelings, thoughts, secrets, etc.), Commitment (Choice to be in the relationship), and Passion (Physical Attraction). Combining these elements or leaving them by themselves creates 7 different types of love. For instance, the combination of intimacy and commitment creates Companionate Love or the love felt by two best friends. Fatuous Love or the combination of passion and commitment is a relationship based on physical attraction. Romantic Love or the combination of passion and intimacy is more of a fling because there is no commitment. The true love people seek in a soul mate is Consummate Love or the combination of all three elements. According to Dr. Conner, it is good to have multiple elements because naturally some will wane, but if there are other things in the relationship besides passion for example, intimacy and commitment will hold the relationship together.

Next comes attraction, and there are many surprising elements that cause it. The first element is proximity. It has been proven that people generally like those who sit next to them in class more than those who sit across the room. Physical closeness and proximity plays a subconscious role in attraction. Interaction also causes attraction, people tend to like those with whom they interact more than those they do not. Believe it or not, exclusionary criteria plays a role in attraction. Everyone has a list of certain things they absolutely DO NOT want in a partner. This list can repel them from people who have those qualities and lead them to others who do not have those undesirable traits. Humans tend to like those who like them, therefore reciprocal liking is another element. Social exchange is another trait of attraction or those little questions everyone asks in their head "What do I deserve?" and "What is the possibility of finding someone better?". Lastly Similarity is probably the most important element of attraction. Opposites do attract sometimes but these relationships usually do not last very long because opposites do not affirm each other. For example, if a Mormon girl and a party animal guy are in a relationship, how long will it take for their ideals to clash? People are attracted to those who are similar to themselves, sometimes even in looks. In a study, 5 male subjects were shown photographs of women and asked to say which one was the most attractive to them. They were each photographed themselves before they viewed the pictures. What they did not know was that their pictures were computer generated to turn them into women; this picture was then put in the slide show. Surprisingly each male subject picked the female counterpart of themselves as the most attractive woman.

To find Romeo, Casanova, or Taylor Lautner there are certain things Dr. Conner recommends doing. To find love believe you can and should be loved, work on yourself, show interest in someone, get the person to do something for you (because this gets them asking themselves if they like you), do something exciting like watch a horror movie (because the emotions of fear create the same biological brainwaves as love), make it equal from the beginning, and take a chance. Once there is a catch, Dr. Conner has relationship advice as well! A secure attachment (good self esteem and good perception of others), Communal Equity or doing things for the other person knowing they will do something nice in return, Self Disclosure or sharing secrets, feelings, and dreams because it develops intimacy, and finally Acceptance of mistakes and imperfections in the other person. On the down side, heart break and pain are inevitable in matters of love but the most important thing to remember is that LOVE AND ABUSE CANNOT EXIST. Love can be blind but if verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse occurs...the relationship MUST end. Love is for those who respect, cherish, and treat one another well, not for those who choose to abuse it.

Later Lakers!!!

Yesterday, the Dallas Mavericks swept the Los Angeles Lakers with a 122-86 victory. Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odum were ejected 45 seconds apart. It was the first time Lakers coach Phil Jackson had been swept in his 21 seasons as a coach. Can I just say THANK GOD! The Lakers have about a million championships in their franchise and one more is not necessary. Though I hate the Mavericks, I despise, detest, and loathe the Lakers. I think it is mostly Kobe Bryant. With the two time defending championships out of the running it is now between either the Mavericks, the Thunder, or the Grizzlies in the West and the Bulls, the Hawks, the Heat or the Celtics in the East. It should be interesting to see who will come out on top in the 2011 playoffs. My bet is the Heat or the Celtics but again thank God it's not the Lakers!

Osama Bin Laden Dead...Finally

After a decade of running and playing hide and seek, the news came last week that Osama Bin Laden, the notorious leader of Al Queda and the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, had been killed. A Navy SEAL team ambushed Bin Laden's $1 million compound killing everyone in the house, lastly Bin Laden. The SEAL team then took Bin Laden's body onto a U.S. ship, cleaned it, wrapped it in cloth, and dumped it into the ocean. Upon news of Bin Laden's death, Americans celebrated by wrapping themselves in American flags and drinking beer.

When I found out Bin Laden had been killed I felt relieved. I felt bad being happy that someone was dead, but Bin Laden was not just a man he was a monster. President Obama has secured a political victory with his death which is much needed. The man who was on the run for nearly a decade has finally been caught, allowing Americans and the rest of the world to breathe easier. Though there is fear that there will be a retaliation from Al Queda, only time will tell what will happen in the future.

The World Watches the Royal Wedding

This Friday Prince William and long time girlfriend Catherine Middleton were wed at Westminster Abbey while billions of people around the world watched the ceremony on many different channels. Prince William and his best man and brother Prince Harry arrived in military uniform, while the bride arrived in a breath taking wedding gown designed by Sarah Burton. It was a long sleeved lace and ivory satin design with a 9 foot train and a veil a tiara to match. As Middleton walked down the aisle, Prince Harry said to his brother, "Wait until you see what's coming". When she arrived at the altar Prince William said, "You look beautiful". Though the newly wed couple were not able to kiss in the church (that is not tradition in the church of Englad), they locked lips twice on the balcony before half a million screaming Britains. Your Royal Highnesses the Duke and Dutchess of Cambridge then proceeded to Buckingham Palace for an evening dinner which lasted until the early hours of the next morning. And on the next day, a helicopter whisked them off to an unknown destination for their honeymoon as husband and wife.

When I told people I watched the Royal Wedding they said in reply, "Why do you care?" Well, first of all I am a hopeless romantic though I try to hide it (don't tell anyone) and Kate Middleton is living the life that every girl dreams of at least once. She got Prince Charming, literally Prince Generous, Polo Playing, Uniform Wearing, Charming. She is a commoner and he is a prince, they fell in love and got married, that is seriously a fairytale come true! Secondly, in a world where bad news is all we see, this was a grand event of happiness. When interviewed, the U.S. ambassador to St. James Palace said, "Everyone needs a day to bask in happiness and just smile, and that's what we did today". With everything that is happening in the world, war, tragedy, disaster, it was a welcome relief to see love and joy. That is why the Royal Wedding had such global appeal. As for the new couple, I wish them a long life of love and happiness something William's parents were deprived of.