What could inspire the bravest, proudest man to stand outside a girl's window holding a boom box? What could possibly compel the most intelligent, rational woman to leave her well to do fiancee for a man she has not seen in seven years? It is the same thing that inspires words like "What is it you want, Mary? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down." It is the subject of Grammy winning songs, Oscar winning movies, and Pulitzer prize winning poetry. As a wise men once said, "L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see, V is very very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore," and that spells LOVE folks.
Love is a huge part of American culture. It is present in the media, in movies, on television, and in songs. From very young ages, girls are exposed to Disney movies in which princesses are swept off their feet by handsome, charming young princes. Many a book series takes advantage of the want for a fantasy like love such as "The Twilight Saga" by Stephanie Meyer which has grossed millions and has been made into wildly successful films. Even marketing in our culture preys on the human desire for love, letting consumers believe that if they buy a certain product they will be loved like the woman being held by a man resembling Matthew McConaughey. All this love is present in American culture but do people really know what it means? They say "I Love You" all the time, but do they really know the true meaning of the word? What is love?
According to Professor Jeremy Wolfe who teaches many psychology classes at MIT and Harvard, love is an emotion, a state of mind, a feeling, and a motivation to possess the object of desire. From an evolutionary standpoint, Professor Wolfe argues, love exists because it serves the purpose of passing on genes through reproduction or through nurturing the next generation. Men were concerned with passing on their genes by impregnating women, a biological aspect which has become part of their behavior. Psychology heavyweight Sigmund Freud believed that romantic love comes out of a need for the nurturing of civilization. While reproduction is necessary to keep the population alive, the next generation could not survive without parents. In ancient times when women were more dependent on men, the romantic love between the mother and the father nurtured the child and enabled their success. The men protected and supported the family while the women cared for the babies. Women looked for evidence of resources in men because they needed support for themselves and their family. Men sought younger female mates because they were capable of having more children. These are subconcious behaviors that carry over in men and women even today but maybe for different reasons. According to Dr. Frank Conner who presented a lecture entitiled, "The Psychology of Love: Do Opposites Attract or Do Birds of a Feather Flock Together?", humans love for the purpose of survival (living in community), socialization (having someone to talk to and be with) and affirmation (someone to affirm and make them feel good about themselves).
Psychologist M. Scott Peck defined love as, "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth". According to Dr. Conner, love means knowing the person, caring about the person, having a responsibility toward the person, having respect and dignity for the person, accepting imperfection, and growth for both people in the relationship. Love can encompass many relationships, for example there is love between a father and a son, two best friends, and a husband and a wife, but all are different kinds of love. To describe these relationships, Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the triangular love theory in 1986.
According to Sternberg, the three main elements of love are Intimacy (Closeness based on sharing feelings, thoughts, secrets, etc.), Commitment (Choice to be in the relationship), and Passion (Physical Attraction). Combining these elements or leaving them by themselves creates 7 different types of love. For instance, the combination of intimacy and commitment creates Companionate Love or the love felt by two best friends. Fatuous Love or the combination of passion and commitment is a relationship based on physical attraction. Romantic Love or the combination of passion and intimacy is more of a fling because there is no commitment. The true love people seek in a soul mate is Consummate Love or the combination of all three elements. According to Dr. Conner, it is good to have multiple elements because naturally some will wane, but if there are other things in the relationship besides passion for example, intimacy and commitment will hold the relationship together.
Next comes attraction, and there are many surprising elements that cause it. The first element is proximity. It has been proven that people generally like those who sit next to them in class more than those who sit across the room. Physical closeness and proximity plays a subconscious role in attraction. Interaction also causes attraction, people tend to like those with whom they interact more than those they do not. Believe it or not, exclusionary criteria plays a role in attraction. Everyone has a list of certain things they absolutely DO NOT want in a partner. This list can repel them from people who have those qualities and lead them to others who do not have those undesirable traits. Humans tend to like those who like them, therefore reciprocal liking is another element. Social exchange is another trait of attraction or those little questions everyone asks in their head "What do I deserve?" and "What is the possibility of finding someone better?". Lastly Similarity is probably the most important element of attraction. Opposites do attract sometimes but these relationships usually do not last very long because opposites do not affirm each other. For example, if a Mormon girl and a party animal guy are in a relationship, how long will it take for their ideals to clash? People are attracted to those who are similar to themselves, sometimes even in looks. In a study, 5 male subjects were shown photographs of women and asked to say which one was the most attractive to them. They were each photographed themselves before they viewed the pictures. What they did not know was that their pictures were computer generated to turn them into women; this picture was then put in the slide show. Surprisingly each male subject picked the female counterpart of themselves as the most attractive woman.
To find Romeo, Casanova, or Taylor Lautner there are certain things Dr. Conner recommends doing. To find love believe you can and should be loved, work on yourself, show interest in someone, get the person to do something for you (because this gets them asking themselves if they like you), do something exciting like watch a horror movie (because the emotions of fear create the same biological brainwaves as love), make it equal from the beginning, and take a chance. Once there is a catch, Dr. Conner has relationship advice as well! A secure attachment (good self esteem and good perception of others), Communal Equity or doing things for the other person knowing they will do something nice in return, Self Disclosure or sharing secrets, feelings, and dreams because it develops intimacy, and finally Acceptance of mistakes and imperfections in the other person. On the down side, heart break and pain are inevitable in matters of love but the most important thing to remember is that LOVE AND ABUSE CANNOT EXIST. Love can be blind but if verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse occurs...the relationship MUST end. Love is for those who respect, cherish, and treat one another well, not for those who choose to abuse it.
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